Sanity Check
by AllTheseFeels
Summary: When Kaiden finds Shepard trying to drown her insecurities at Apollos Cafe, he tries to give her the opportunity to relax. However, like most things, it doesn't really go as planned. My interpretation on how that date should have gone. Hope you enjoy ! :3


**AN: Soooo, I figured the whole dinner date on the Citadel with Kaiden was slightly too mushy and hearts and flowers for Shepard. I always thought she'd be slightly more bruised after their rocky relationship. So here it is, in all of its dramatic glory; my take on how it should have went. R&R for my first oneshot, if you'd be so lovely and kind. C:**

**Sanity Check**

**Fem!Shep x Kaiden**

The Reapers were decimating Earth as Shepard wandered around the Presidium Commons and knowing that was tearing her in two. Despite what had happened during the Blitz, everything that had transpired on Mindoir, nothing could have prepared her for losing a planet that she had never really known. She'd only really been there for brief stints during shore leave other than when she had been grounded. Perhaps it was the fact that it was where all humans had eventually stemmed from and that it was being so easily eradicated by a race of sentient beings that she had never even heard of 10 years ago. Her head was pounding and her hands were motionless at her sides as she trudged absent-mindedly past the various vendors, only just managing a polite smile when Joker called to her from a nearby bench.

"Hey, Commander! The winds gonna change and then your face will be stuck looking like that!" He'd jibed, one eye focused on EDI.

"Good thing there's no wind on the Citadel, then," She'd replied with that smile but even Joker saw that it hadn't reached her eyes.

As she ascended the steps and headed towards Apollos Café, the only thought that settled firmly in her mind was; 'I need a drink. Something strong; maybe whisky.' She knew that if she wanted something to knock her flat on her ass she'd need to go to Purgatory but she needed a drink and she needed it now. She leaned over the counter and glanced up at the human bartender, giving him a curt nod as he turned to face her, uncomfortably brushing shoulders with his Batarian co-worker.

"Err, what can I get you, Ma'am?" He asked, brushing the offending shoulder lightly.

"The strongest you have. I don't care if it's Batarian, Turian, Quarian, Hanar, I just need a drink," She groaned, throwing a handful of credits on the table. "I need to forget,"

"Considering half of what you've suggested could kill you, I'll just fix you up a regular human drink. Scotch on the rocks sound strong enough?"

"Deal,"

The bartender took a few of the credits she'd tossed and turned his back to her and Shepard was slightly encouraged by the clink of ice as it fell into what was going to be her glass. She sunk into a bar stool and rested her arms on the counter, resting her head on top of them in turn. Her usually short black hair was due a cut as her bangs annoyingly brushed along her lips and nose when she leaned forward, causing her to brush them back with slightly more force than necessary, raking her nails slowly along her scalp. She stuffed the remaining credits into her pocket as the drink was placed down in front of her, only raising her head to move the glass to her lips and take a long, sharp sip of the amber liquid. It burned her throat and ripped through her sinuses but she'd had enough of the stuff to let it go down smoothly. She took another gulp then gestured for a refill, ignoring the cautious glance the bartender threw her way. She wasn't aiming to get so drunk that she didn't know what was up or down; she had an image to keep up while she was here. The last thing she needed was some prying reporter getting a shot of her sprawled on her back with a shot glass in one hand and her shirt in the other. Nevertheless, she greedily reached for the second glass of scotch just as a warm hand came down on her shoulder and a familiar gravelly voice chided in her ear.

"You know that isn't just funny coloured water, Shepard. You might want to slow down a little,"

"Bite me, Kaiden," Shepard growled in warning, not giving her old flame a look. "If you had the opportunity to drown yourself in your precious Canadian lager, you would,"

"You wound me," He laid his free hand on his heart, a smile tugging at his lips. "Come on now, Shepard. It's not me you're mad at and you know it. You're not even mad at yourself, really, so stop punishing yourself by trying to beat your liver into submission,"

As much as she hated to admit it, Kaiden was right. Hell, he was always right. That was the infuriating part.

"Well, what else should I do while I'm here? I hate shopping, politics and C-Sec – aside from Bailey, I mean – so if I can't drink then I may as well go back to the Normandy and lose to Traynor at chess again,"

Kaiden couldn't do much more than laugh as he clapped her heartily on the back, gesturing to a table away from the bar.

"You could sit down and grab something to eat with me. My treat, I promise,"

"Your treat? You feeling ill, Kaiden? You keep a tighter hand on your credits than a 16 year old boy on his first Asari stripper,"

"If I recall, I now make more than you. So, if anything, I SHOULD be treating a lovely lady like yourself to a meal,"

"…That was the sweetest backhanded compliment I've ever gotten,"

"C'mon now, I'm being nice! You need to relax anyway; think of it as a sanity check,"

The two exchanged a grin before Shepard yielded and sat down at Kaidens table, turning her gaze out towards the rest of the Citadel. It was still drastically damaged after the Cerberus assault, but even now it was still oddly pleasing to look at. The water was filtered and clean, the artificial light chasing shadows from every nook and cranny of the massive station. She'd seen it be a place of happiness but also a place of danger. The Citadel was part of something that none of its inhabitants could ever hope to comprehend. That frightened her; they were all at risk and at the moment she could do nothing to help them. Right now, she just couldn't help anybody and that made her ache. Shepard was used to fighting against the odds but there comes a time when they become too great for anyone to usurp. Maybe…These were her insurmountable odds.

"—ard…Shepard…Earth to Shepard!"

Kaidens voice broke her trance as her head snapped around to look at him, his eyes soft with worry.

"Are you okay? You've been out of it ever since we docked,"

"I'm fine, Kaiden,"

"I've known you for far too long to believe that, Shepard,"

"But you still believed I was working for Cerberus behind your back,"

Kaiden recoiled; hurt and more than a little surprised. If he was expecting her to bring up anything, it'd be their mission, not something he'd intended to put as far behind him as he could. He knew he deserved her scorn but it didn't make it any less painful to see it plainly in her eyes that she didn't trust him even now.

"S-Shepard, I—"

"What? What, Kaiden? What can you possibly say that could make me suddenly forget about all of that?" Shepard barked, her entire body going rigid as the flood gates finally broke. "You humiliated me on Horizon in front of my squad and you were convinced that I was some kind of backstabbing bitch! How DARE you, Alenko! I am an Alliance soldier to the bone; I was enlisted as soon as I knew how to hold a goddamn gun. I was your COMMANDING OFFICER for the first significant part of your career! To top it all off, even when I LEFT Cerberus and destroyed the Collector base that the Illusive Man wanted so much, you STILL weren't convinced! I bent over backwards to try and convince you but nothing changed your mind but your own goddamn opinions, like always,"

She paused for a moment to take a breath but couldn't keep her lips still for long.

"When we spent the night together before Ilos, you told me that I made you feel human and for once I…I felt NORMAL, Kaiden. I don't know about you but that doesn't happen very often, so you can shove it up your ass if you can't grasp the fact that I'm bound to carry scars from what you did,"

Shepard exhaled and leaned back in her chair, pushing a hand through her hair and tugging at it in frustration. It felt good to vent and get it out in the open but she knew that what just happened would change the course of their relationship yet again. It'd either be mind-blowingly awkward or…Nope, just awkward. There was no coming back from this. She'd just spilled her guts out to the one soldier who'd been fighting beside her since Day One and now there was no way he would ever—

"…I'm a colossal idiot,"

…What?

"Yes, yes you are," Shepard replied snidely, expertly hiding her surprise. It was a talent she'd acquired from chasing doom out of every shadowy corner of the universe.

"You're hilarious, Shepard. Now please shut up for once and let me finish," Kaiden sighed, his eyes dark with guilt and his fingers drumming nervously on the table. "I know I don't have much of a right to ask this of you but I want you to remember that message I sent you after you left Horizon. I told you I was sorry, that seeing you just made everything I'd built up over those two years you were gone come crashing down. To top it off, you were wearing a Cerberus uniform…It threw me off more than you could possibly imagine. I didn't see the Shepard I knew; the one who would go through Hell and back to do what was right for humanity, no, for everybody. I saw a Cerberus operative on a Cerberus mission that had been resuscitated and…And altered to look like Shepard…My Shepard,"

He raised his head a little to gauge her reaction. If it wasn't safe to continue, he'd drop it there. Her mouth was pulled into a tight line and those battle-hardened eyes of hers gave absolutely nothing away. It was all he could do to not grab her there in the middle of the café and shake her to try and desperately force some kind of reaction out of her. Nevertheless, seeing no signs he should stop, he carried on.

"As for what happened on Mars…No, I've got no excuse for that and I was a fool to think I could make assumptions like that without it coming back to bite me on the ass. I was wrong and very, very stupid and I'm sorry. You can't possibly imagine how sorry I am, Shepard. I'd die before I'd intentionally hurt you; it kills me whenever a shot gets through your shields, never mind getting through the armour—"

"What about now?" Shepard cut in, her hand constricting around his forearm to catch his attention.

"Shepard, I'm willingly following you into a war that nobody thinks we can win for the sake of the universe…I'm not only trusting you with MY life, but the lives of all my friends and family too. I hope that's enough to maybe erase some of the stupid things I've done to you and if it isn't, I understand,"

A silence fell over the two as Shepards hand tensed and relaxed every so often, betraying the otherwise stoic face that she had become so famous for. She didn't seem to be looking at him; more like she was looking THROUGH him as her brow creased in that way he loved. She was conflicted; was he worth the trouble or not?

"…What was it you called it? A 'sanity check'?" She suddenly asked him with placid eyes, her mouth quirking upwards ever so slightly.

Kaiden visibly relaxed as he nodded. At least she wasn't going to hit him; her punches hurt more than a Krogan with a hangover.

"Heh, yeah…Although it remains to be seen whether this helped your sanity or just made you more batshit crazy,"

"Careful, Major,"

"It's Commander, actually,"

"It'll always be Major to me,"

"Then you're wrong,"

"I'm never wrong, Kaiden,"

"…I wish I could disagree,"

Then something wonderful happened; Shepard threw her head back and laughed. A beautiful, unrestrained, contented laugh. The hazy cloud of suspicion that had glazed her eyes before had lifted and now Kaiden could see himself in them. It was incredible. If he somehow hadn't been entirely convinced before that this was indeed his Shepard, he was completely won over now. Shepards hand slid down his arm to his hand, resting hers lightly in his palm as his fingers closed around hers.

"But, Shepard…What made you come around?" He barely dared to ask her.

"There's something you've had that since the day I met you that has always had me stymied. I've killed countless mercenaries, rogues, mad biotics, Collectors, Husks and every other weird, deformed thing under the many suns we've seen but you always have me stumped with this,"

"Oh? And what is it? What has the great Commander Shepard so completely stuck?"

"You suck at apologising, but my god that hurt voice combined with the 'kicked puppy' look makes up for it,"

"Well, I guess that's—Hey!"

The two laughed, gasped for air, and then laughed some more. It seemed like they were there for hours and they were both completely fine with that. When everything finally subsided, Kaiden could only smile as he lifted Shepards hand to his cheek and delicately planted a kiss on her wrist, delighting in the slight jolt of surprise that coursed along her arm.

"Let's head back to the Normandy," He sighed regretfully. "The only bad thing about saving the universe is that it doesn't give us a lot of time for shore leave. We'll have that dinner the next time we're here,"

"…Not only do you suck at apologising, you suck at asking girls out as well," Shepard purred, low and victorious yet again.

"It was my first attempt ever. Give me a break, woman!"

"'Give me a break', huh…? I think I remember you saying that the night before Ilos,"

She didn't give her Major a chance to reply but laughed heartily at his flushed cheeks all the same as she slipped her hand out of his grasp and stood, starting to head for the elevator that'd take her back to the docking bay.

"Shepard…?" Kaiden called after her, sounding surprisingly lost.

"C'mon, Kaiden," She grinned, sparing him a quick glance over her shoulder. "Let's go back to as close to home as we can get,"

She didn't need to ask twice. He was beside her faster than she could breathe and the two headed back to the Normandy in comfortable silence, knowing that the biggest argument they'd ever had was the best thing that could have happened to them.


End file.
